Yay for a good day

So we are officially "under contract!" Papers were signed this evening, and now we have to make it through home inspection and we should be good to go. We had a really good day. I got the phone call this afternoon about the house, I took a nap (I really haven't taken a nap since Ceilidh was born), we celebrated a cousin's graduation with family and really good food, as well as I found out I can be publicly excited about Kristen's pregnancy now!!!

Most of you who read our blog already know about this baby, but it is still fun to talk about it openly! We are very excited for you Jared and Kristen, and I am already stating that it is a girl. wink It is really fun to go through pregnancy with a sister-in-law and a "cousin-in-law"/friend at the same time.

Even having such a good day though, it is weird how I can miss Kenan on days like this. I really struggled this week with almost a depressed sort of state. I didn't feel like I really had any emotion. Since September 22, 2008; we have had something on the horizon that we were waiting on. We were anxiously awaiting getting pregnant again, then we were waiting on his graduate school acceptance, and until this week we have been waiting on the house to sale. I know that our "change" has really just begun for 2009; but the "unknown" has pretty much all played out and now it is time to live it all. I write all this wondering if this week has been weird for me, b/c I have allowed my mind to rest a bit. My "what if this happens," "what if this doesn't happen," questions have been answered. We were able to get pregnant again and everything to this point has gone really smoothly, Andrew got into school, and our house barring any inspection issues has been sold.

There isn't anything else to distract my wandering thoughts about Kenan now. Not that I didn't think about him everyday for the last eight months, but now there is no competition for my dwellings. Why? Why us? What is the medical reasoning for his heart stopping? Was he in pain? Would earlier prenatals have prevented this? How do you miss someone so much that you never really met? Would he have looked like Andrew? Would he have loved football? How do I stay real with my pain, but not miss out on the joys in front of me? Why do we have to live the rest of our lives with someone missing from our "family photos?" Why do I feel so alone in my hurt when I personally know so many other mothers who have experienced these same feelings? When do these thoughts subside?

The list could go on. Even though I counseled girls everyday for two and a half years that there is no "correct" way to be feeling and there is no "correct" time frame to experience these emotions; I still have this deep desire to do everything the "right" way. That is another whole issue of mine, for another post.

Well, I am just rambling at this point so I should stop. I will end this post by saying I am beyond blessed and thankful for God's faithfulness; and hope that he will continue to recreate me for himself.