"Held"

Today was an interesting day. Sort of an unexpected day. This past week was obviously a landmark week for us; but I really had no more nor any less pain than I do everyday remembering Kenan. This morning at church threw me for a loop.

Andrew being the music lover he is, always looks up online what songs we will be singing at church that Sunday. Because of this, we knew Saturday that we were having Christa Wells, a guest artist sing with the worship team. She writes for many artists including Natalie Grant. Most notably she wrote a song called, "Held." Andrew and I actually listened to this song driving back from Chapel Hill the day we found out Kenan's heart wasn't beating any longer. I knew she was singing.... but I didn't realize she was singing that song.

When I read the bulletin; my heart sort of stopped. I like dealing with my pain, on my own terms. I like being prepared. I was not prepared to deal with the raw emotion of this song, sitting among hundreds of other people. The congregational songs before Christa sang were all centered on God's Greatness. All I could think about was the anxiety of hearing "Held's" lyrics, and the fact that they make me face how I really feel. By the third or fourth "How Great is Our God" type song; my heart was literally screaming "prove it!" Whether biblically right or wrong to demand of God; it is what is it is.

I think all the emotion of this last week came pouring/sobbing out this morning. And though I think I was afraid to feel it, I actually feel somewhat more relaxed. I feel a little more free to celebrate Baby C, and to excitedly anticipate him. It was not a pretty sight, and the poor little boy sitting in front of us is probably traumatized (ha!), but God told me this morning; "I do prove it. I prove it to you everyday with every breath. Life isn't fair. You did pray. I did hear. The Sacred was torn from your life. But I held you. I am still holding you."

Faith can be messy. I don't like messy. This is a struggle. Like I posted earlier this week, I can only pray these struggles will make me yearn for God more.

"Held"

Two months is too little
They let him go
They had no sudden healing
To think that providence
Would take a child from his mother
While she prays, is appalling
Who told us we'd be rescued
What has changed and
Why should we be saved from nightmares
We're asking why this happens to us
Who have died to live, it's unfair

[Chorus]
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held

This hand is bitterness
We want to taste it and
Let the hatred numb our sorrows
The wise hand opens slowly
To lilies of the valley and tomorrow

[Chorus]
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held
[Bridge]
If hope is born of suffering
If this is only the beginning
Can we not wait, for one hour
Watching for our savior
[Chorus]
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held
We'd be held

This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held

This is what it means to be held.....