I had the opportunity to teach a dance camp last week; so instead of driving back and forth to Southern PInes each day with a nursing baby at home, we decided to stay with Randy and Suzanne. It was great to be back in Moore County seeing the family, old friends, and feeling like we were "home" again. I loved every minute of getting back into teaching, but I was not prepared for the sheer exhaustion of leaving 3 -6 year olds to come home to my own young children. Not only did I teach, Ceilidh participated in her first dance camp. She loved every minute of it until it came time to do the performance at the end of the week. She told me in the car, "loved dancing, but I don't want to do a show EVER again!" HA I have a trillion pictures of the whole week that I will add sometime soon.
Andrew also got some very encouraging news on the job front as well as a potential research assistant position during the school year! Whether both, one, or none of these opportunities pan out, I am thankful for the reassurance of God's faithfulness and provision. As the spiritual head of our home, Andrew has taken quite a few leaps of faith during the last year. Not that he didn't trust before, but I feel Andrew has really grown in this area, and it is really neat to see.
Even with all this excitement, the week was quickly tempered last Wednesday afternoon. The Mitchells' are the family that we loaned our mobile to, so that Baby Miles would be more comfortable in his pod in the PICU. Wednesday morning, they lost Miles after 4 1/2 months of 3 heart surgeries, surgery to flip his small and large intestines, antibiotics everyday to combat illness as he was born without a spleen, and multiple procedures to heal his little body. I am completely heartbroken for this family. I can't quit thinking about Alicia and everything she is dealing with right now. Though we haven't been friends that long, I think it is obvious that God had ordained us to be neighbors. Not that our experience was ANYTHING like theirs, but I think there is comfort in talking to someone who "knows," even if it is only to a certain extent. We have been able to talk, cry, and laugh a little for Miles, Kenan, ourselves, our families....
Please just pray for me and with me, that I could be a honest friend to her. Specifically; I don't want to give her answers/formulas to make it better. There is no such thing, and NOTHING that makes this better. Period. There is nothing good or redeeming about losing a child. Secondly, I don't want to make this about me or Kenan. Yes, we obviously have discussed our experience for points of reference; but this is about her, Jon, and Miles. Thirdly, I want her to feel safe to be real. I learned a great deal about not pretending/masking through Kenan's loss, and I just want to do my part in allowing her to feel that comfortable. Everyone grieves differently and for different lengths of times, and there should be no apologies for that. Lastly, honesty can suck. I mean, honesty itself is very refreshing. But sometimes what you are saying, just plain sucks. I think the most heart wrenching moment of our walk this morning was when she asked me, "Does it ever go away? Does this ache for him go away, or do you just learn to function with a baseline ache in your heart?" This was one of the biggest issues I struggled/struggle with now. I desperately wanted to tell her it all goes away and you feel normal again. Its just not true. You just learn to live with a new "normal."
I can't imagine her ache, as they actually knew their sweet boy for 4 1/2 months. They saw him smile and heard him cry. They got to feel his chest move up and down with his breath, even if it was assisted for much of his life with a ventilator. He was beautiful. They are devastated. Even when I am struggling to believe it, all I can do is continuously repeat, "Beauty for ashes.... Beauty for ashes.... Beauty for ashes...."
1 comment:
Beautiful post, Cyndy.
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