Oh September

I have always loved September. I love that September brings in Fall; beautiful leaves, windy days, pants with a tee-shirt days, sweatshirt with shorts days, school starting (I know I'm a nerd Susanna! wink), and obviously my birthday! Which before I venture on with more September reflections; I need to shout-out a big "whoop whoop" to my "Clendenin" ladies and the AWESOME girls night I was shown last Sunday! That's right, ladies and gentlemen, I had a ladies night with my mother-in-law, and four amazing sister-in-laws. I had a great time, and I am so thankful for them and how they love me. They picked me up in the party wagon, aka: Sus' new and incredible land cruiser, and off they whisked me to The Cheesecake Factory. I even got some pretty awesome gifts out of the deal! ha I really felt special ladies. Thanks again!!

But back to my thoughts on September. The last two years have really thrown a wrench in my excitement about September. Obviously, September 22, 2008 threw a wrench in our lives, not just the month. But now, every September, I have no idea HOW to feel. The last two years, I have been incredibly torn with excitement and sadness. Within 12 days of each other, we celebrate my life, honor the death of a son, and rejoice in the birth of another son. I'm wondering if I will ever not feel guilty for being excited and sad around this time? At any given moment, I feel as if I'm neglecting Graeme by being sad for Kenan; but feel as if I'm negating Kenan if I am happy. Its just a weird place to be. I really pondered what I would say about yesterday on the blog; but there really isn't much to say, other than I am very heavy-hearted. Last year, I broke down fairly often throughout the day; but this year, I have just felt an extreme heaviness. I miss him. I wanted to know him. I wanted to squeeze his little body and kiss his little cheeks.

I vividly remember sitting on the side of the hospital bed, right before we left thinking, "Ok, what do we do now?" My bleeding was minimal enough to go home the same day that we delivered, and the nurse had just come in to say we were welcome to leave when we wanted. We had no overnight bags, no baby paperwork, no car seat, no wheelchair to wheel you out to the door, no baby..... It was awkward and excruciating to leave. I was going to go home and sleep all night. I didn't have to nurse anyone. I had no baby to show off to grandparents and siblings. It felt weird, horrible, and we had no idea what to do next. This is sort of how I have been feeling during this season. Someday I will get to know him. Someday I will get to introduce him to his grandparents and family and friends who have missed him with us. I can't wait.