Never Complete (part 2)

I don't really know why I feel so compelled to write about this, but I do. I really hope that one day this blog will serve as a sweet reminder to us of our crazy journey as parents, children, and a family as a whole. I originally started blogging to keep out of town family updated, and where that is still a goal; I think it has morphed more into a on-line journal of stories and pictures for myself! ha

I mentioned a couple of days ago about how I was struggling with our mantle at Christmas b/c of a lack of representation for Kenan. Where that is totally accurate, I think I have been struggling for a while now with an even bigger underlying issue. His lack of presence on our mantle does conjure up feelings of "incompleteness," but this is a feeling I have been dealing with since the beginning of last summer. Our family will never be complete this side of the thin veil. I will always feel as though we are missing someone. Sometimes I can sit around the table at dinner, and literally feel a presence that I can not see. No matter how many children we have, this feeling will pervade my thoughts.

This obviously complicates things when Andrew and I have to make big family decisions about children. Though I have ALWAYS loved children, I never really had any idea about how many children I wanted and when and yadda yadda yadda; until Andrew and I started having them. The instant Ceilidh was born, I knew I wanted as many as the Lord would give us. Before we got married, I started researching birth control and understanding my body and pregnancy/labor/birth. From that moment on, I have struggled with the idea of birth control (in the medicated since), let alone the actual way in which most B.C.'s work. How do you reconcile the belief that God should be the one in control of our family; but also realizing he created us to make wise Godly decisions about your family as well? UGH... why is adulthood so hard sometimes??!!!

Add this complication to the fact that I L.O.V.E. being pregnant. I have never been sick, had (thankfully) uncomplicated pregnancies, and had wonderful (even if long) labor and deliveries. All this said though, I feel VERY strongly that children are more than mere numbers. I feel even more strongly about this, after having 3 children with totally different personalities. I realize I have even said it many times before myself, but I get pretty frustrated with people who constantly talk about having a certain number of children, just b/c they have some "ideal" number in their head. Don't get me wrong, I think having an idea of what your family might look like is great; but setting a number in your head, and then having the children to meet that does not seem like a good idea to me.

Becoming a parent, and actually daily living this idea of "parenthood," has made me realize even more how big of a deal this all is. I really feel that when God talks about being a good steward, he is talking about more than just finances. Hear me LOUD and CLEAR. I am in NO way claiming that you can't be a good steward of family issues if you have a lot of children. In fact, some of the mothers I admire most in this world have/had larger families. I think this is different for each set of parents, but for Andrew and I; we feel that in order to be good stewards of the three precious children we already have we should focus on disciple ling them well. Are we misleading ourselves and just not trusting his faithfulness? I hope not... and I don't think so. I really feel a clearness that he will reward a desire to invest well in our children. I know myself as a woman and mother, and I don't know how well I could invest in each child individually if our family continued to grow. AGAIN, there are some women who could invest better in 13 children than I could in 3. This has nothing to do with size of family, but who God has created me to be.

I have cried, gotten angry, cried, talked till I was blue in the face to Andrew and family members, and cried some more (ha); over this seeming "loss." In some ways it is a loss of this stage of my life. And I know full-well that when the next round of baby announcements (b/c all my friends get pregnant at the same time, and it is time for another round! ha); it will sting a bit. Not b/c I won't be happy. I am ALWAYS excited about new life. But nonetheless, it will still sting some. Saying all that, I have gotten more and more at ease, clear, and even excited about this new stage. I am enjoying EVERY second of Jane's babyhood, but I am also way excited to start living and anticipating life without the ever present thought of "I might be pregnant then" in the back of my head. As adaptable as I am, I like to have parameters or boundaries around things. I like start times and end times. As difficult as it is, I think the closing of a chapter in my life, and the beginning of a new one is appealing to me on that level.

I have been asked a million times, "Are you done?" I think it is the expected statement just like "When are you getting married?" if you have been dating a while, or, "When are babies coming?" after you get married, etc. Not knowing how to really answer, I have been shrugging it off as, "Who knows." Which in actually, who really does know.... besides the Lord. I can hit the "publish post" button today, and next week be pregnant. ha I mean honestly.... we really don't know ultimately. With a few of my closer friends, I have divulged a little more; but still not really sure where I was standing on the issue. The more peace I feel about everything, the more bold I have felt in answering honestly. I have even started giving away clothing! *Gasp* ha

SO...... wrap all this up to one big mess of a person stumbling through life trying to make Godly decisions for our family, and you have Cyndy. ha Even though just last night I was accused of trying to "speak a fourth" into existence, (which I truly wasn't by the way, wink) I am thankful and excited about our little family and our future. I think this post was just one more step in legitimizing my thoughts and feelings. 2012, Bring it on!