Ruins

I love music. I love how music inspires people. I love how it speaks to my core and how it gives words to feelings. I really found my love of music in college. Sure, I was always in awe of how my sister knew EVERY word to EVERY song that came on the radio (I love you Kathi!), and I enjoyed listening to Marty Robbins driving to South Carolina with Daddy; but I never listened to music that "spoke" to me. ( I know I am sounding like a Carboro hippie right now, but here me out.) I didn't fall in love with music until I met a man who he himself as well as his family are OBSESSED with music. My love began to grow even more when I started attending The Bible Church who employs probably on of the best non-famous worship leaders I have ever heard. Then, my junior year, I moved in with a rock-star's girlfriend (now wife) who also loved good music. Yes Derek, in my book, you are a rock star!

I really love ALL kinds of music, but the music that really speaks "for me" so to speak, is usually music about God, and who he is and who I'm not. Right before Kenan died, Bebo Norman released a new album with a song called "Ruins (Where I am Saved)." Andrew and I both, but especially me, go through jags where I play one CD for weeks until I get so sick of it I have to change CDs. Right now we have moved on to Bebo's new Christmas album... which is awesome by the way. So, back to "Ruins"....we had heard this song and really liked it, but after Kenan died, it became and has continued to be my mantra. It can't speak more accurately to the season of life that I am in.

I have been reading a lot of Molly Piper's blog recently. She is the daughter-in-law of John Piper (the author) and experienced a stillbirth at 39 weeks with a baby girl named Felicity. Someone had recommended this blog to me after losing Kenan. I was excited to find someone who "knew" my hurt, even if not more than I, and willing to talk openly, freely, genuinely, and honestly about it. I think my jaw hit the computer and the tears uncontrollably poured when reading her blog for the first time, I realized our second children both shared the same "birth"days, just a year apart. Molly had delivered Felicity September 22, 2007 and I delivered Kenan September 22, 2008. Maybe its silly, but I have really felt an even stronger connection with this woman since this revelation. Undoubtedly, every September 22 will bring sadness not just for ourselves, but for the Piper family as well. Molly recently published a post about wanting to "feel" the holidays and not get caught up in all the whooplah (that's a fun word to use in a post). She has talked a lot about wanting to feel and not be numb to life.

I guess I posted all this to say... me too. I am a desperately broken person, we all are; but seasons like this highlight that even more. So my mantra, hopefully not just for the Holidays but for the rest of my life is this: Let my ruins become the ground you build upon, Let my ruins become the start; Let my ruins become the ground you build it on, From what's left of my broken heart.


“Ruins (Where I Am Saved)” Lyrics

Laying flat upon my back,
All the world in motion
Everything goes by so fast
I feel like I’m frozen

After all is said and done
Did I fail to mention
Everything I haven’t done
All my good intentions

This is my holy hour, this is my world on fire
This is my desperate play, this is where I am saved

I’ve no fear of height or depth
I’ve no fear of crashing
The single thing I fear the most
Simply feeling nothing

This is my holy hour, this is my world on fire
This is my desperate play, this is where I am made
This is my kingdom come, this is my freedom song
This is my helpless state, this is where I am saved

Let my ruins become the ground you build upon
Let my ruins become the start
Let my ruins become the ground you build it on
From what’s left of my broken heart

This is my holy hour, this is my world on fire
This is my desperate play, this is where I am made
This is my kingdom come, this is my freedom song
This is my helpless state, this is where I am saved

Sorry for the stream of consciousness of this post.