I have known it was happening. It has been happening for about a year now. I could tell by little looks or simple questions that the wheels were turning in her sweet little head. I had sort of been prepping myself for the conversation; but didn't realize that a tea party, an innocent tea party that happens multiple times a day in our home would finally lead to the discovery.
Santa Claus has been a slightly contested subject in our house from the beginning. I love Christmas, but I love it for the incredible miracle that occurred that seemingly common night. It began the earthly beginning of my soul's rescue. I feel pretty strongly that it shouldn't be misplaced or overlooked for a fat man in a big red suit who brings presents. All that to say, there is something magical about children's excitement over Santa's mysteries and Christmas morning. So, we decided to include Santa in our Christmas' but with a very concerted effort that he stayed in the background. I feel that there is some merit to the argument that he teaches children to believe in something they can't see (faith), but I also don't like the idea of lying to my children (or the perceived idea of lying). Once they started asking if he was real, I have always responded with "What do you think?," and then quickly move on to asking them other questions like, "What would you like this year?" HA
Back to the tea party... Jane received this tea set at Christmas from Santa. Ceilidh asked to join us and started 'pouring' her tea. As she was tilting the pot, she noticed the 'Pottery Barn Kids' on the bottom. I knew she did. Her face was a mixture of confusion, realization, and embarrassment. She noticed that I was watching her and I played it off by continuing to play; but she continued to steal glances at the bottom of the pot and cups throughout the 'party.' I didn't want to push anything that didn't need to be, but I also didn't want to miss out on an opportunity to be 'available' to her. Later on that afternoon, a normal conversation lended itself to nonchalantly confirm to them that we would always to be willing to talk about anything they wanted/needed; and then left it at that.
At bedtime, she was pretty quiet and throwing the covers over her head asked if we could talk; but somewhere where Jane couldn't hear her. :) At this point, I was holding up well. I want them to know they can always approach us without fear of me crying my eyes out in nervousness, fear, or shock. Even if my insides are flipping circles! Ha Andrew got Graeme settled so he can join us. She jumps in our bed, and with the tinniest voice I have ever heard come out of her mouth asked, "Is Santa real?" This wasn't an 'Im asking but don't really want to know' which had happened many times before; this was the real thing. She really wanted to know. And she already knew. But she didn't want to accept the reality of the answer. She told us about the tea pot and how that didn't seem to add up. We gently told her that we were 'Santa', but that there was a real Saint Nicholas and Santa had evolved from that story to encourage generosity and love. Poor thing (and poor parents!) didn't know what to do with emotions. She was embarrassed for asking and sad that the 'magic' wasn't true. We really encouraged her that she didn't need to be embarrassed at ALL, and that the 'magic' didn't have to be gone. We still love the story of Santa even as adults and now she could help with some of the gift finding/giving (which she has always loved). We made it clear though, that even if she helped find 1 or 2 gifts for her siblings that there were going to still be LOTS of surprises for them and ALL of hers would be surprises. She seemed pretty satisfied with that. ;) She told us she wanted G and J to still believe so she wouldn't tell them and we have checked out a few books about the true Saint Nicholas. She has gobbled them up!
As Andrew and I have talked about that night quite a bit, I have to say I could care less that she knows about Santa. In fact, it is selfishly kind of a relief for me. I really have never been comfortable with how to deal with 'Santa.' My emotions that night came from the fact that her 'innocence' is slowing but steadily eroding. Not her innocence in regards to crazy teenage type behavior, but more the wonder of childhood innocence. As I always say, I'm thankful that she is developing spiritually, emotionally, physically, and intellectually well; but it is still hard to let go and allow them to progress through the phases of infancy to hopefully a healthy independent adult.
