We found out today that the Clendenin Family will be welcoming another boy soon!!! Lauren and Randy will be welcoming Jasper Augustus Thomas (Jack for short) into this world sometime late February/early March! I was TOTALLY wrong on my prediction, ha, but that is ok. We love all babies! Right now it seems Ceilidh is holding out as the only granddaughter. ha Hopefully sometime in the future she will have little girls to play with as well. Isn't it funny, Randy and Suzanne had all girls and one boy; but are now having all boy grandchildren and one granddaughter. I see a few Sunday afternoon football and Cricket games in our future!
We are so excited for you two. Yay for life; and specifically Jack's life!
Monday, September 28, 2009
Sunday, September 27, 2009
"Held"
Today was an interesting day. Sort of an unexpected day. This past week was obviously a landmark week for us; but I really had no more nor any less pain than I do everyday remembering Kenan. This morning at church threw me for a loop.
Andrew being the music lover he is, always looks up online what songs we will be singing at church that Sunday. Because of this, we knew Saturday that we were having Christa Wells, a guest artist sing with the worship team. She writes for many artists including Natalie Grant. Most notably she wrote a song called, "Held." Andrew and I actually listened to this song driving back from Chapel Hill the day we found out Kenan's heart wasn't beating any longer. I knew she was singing.... but I didn't realize she was singing that song.
When I read the bulletin; my heart sort of stopped. I like dealing with my pain, on my own terms. I like being prepared. I was not prepared to deal with the raw emotion of this song, sitting among hundreds of other people. The congregational songs before Christa sang were all centered on God's Greatness. All I could think about was the anxiety of hearing "Held's" lyrics, and the fact that they make me face how I really feel. By the third or fourth "How Great is Our God" type song; my heart was literally screaming "prove it!" Whether biblically right or wrong to demand of God; it is what is it is.
I think all the emotion of this last week came pouring/sobbing out this morning. And though I think I was afraid to feel it, I actually feel somewhat more relaxed. I feel a little more free to celebrate Baby C, and to excitedly anticipate him. It was not a pretty sight, and the poor little boy sitting in front of us is probably traumatized (ha!), but God told me this morning; "I do prove it. I prove it to you everyday with every breath. Life isn't fair. You did pray. I did hear. The Sacred was torn from your life. But I held you. I am still holding you."
Faith can be messy. I don't like messy. This is a struggle. Like I posted earlier this week, I can only pray these struggles will make me yearn for God more.
"Held"
Two months is too little
They let him go
They had no sudden healing
To think that providence
Would take a child from his mother
While she prays, is appalling
Who told us we'd be rescued
What has changed and
Why should we be saved from nightmares
We're asking why this happens to us
Who have died to live, it's unfair
[Chorus]
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held
This hand is bitterness
We want to taste it and
Let the hatred numb our sorrows
The wise hand opens slowly
To lilies of the valley and tomorrow
[Chorus]
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held
[Bridge]
If hope is born of suffering
If this is only the beginning
Can we not wait, for one hour
Watching for our savior
[Chorus]
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held
We'd be held
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held
This is what it means to be held.....
Andrew being the music lover he is, always looks up online what songs we will be singing at church that Sunday. Because of this, we knew Saturday that we were having Christa Wells, a guest artist sing with the worship team. She writes for many artists including Natalie Grant. Most notably she wrote a song called, "Held." Andrew and I actually listened to this song driving back from Chapel Hill the day we found out Kenan's heart wasn't beating any longer. I knew she was singing.... but I didn't realize she was singing that song.
When I read the bulletin; my heart sort of stopped. I like dealing with my pain, on my own terms. I like being prepared. I was not prepared to deal with the raw emotion of this song, sitting among hundreds of other people. The congregational songs before Christa sang were all centered on God's Greatness. All I could think about was the anxiety of hearing "Held's" lyrics, and the fact that they make me face how I really feel. By the third or fourth "How Great is Our God" type song; my heart was literally screaming "prove it!" Whether biblically right or wrong to demand of God; it is what is it is.
I think all the emotion of this last week came pouring/sobbing out this morning. And though I think I was afraid to feel it, I actually feel somewhat more relaxed. I feel a little more free to celebrate Baby C, and to excitedly anticipate him. It was not a pretty sight, and the poor little boy sitting in front of us is probably traumatized (ha!), but God told me this morning; "I do prove it. I prove it to you everyday with every breath. Life isn't fair. You did pray. I did hear. The Sacred was torn from your life. But I held you. I am still holding you."
Faith can be messy. I don't like messy. This is a struggle. Like I posted earlier this week, I can only pray these struggles will make me yearn for God more.
"Held"
Two months is too little
They let him go
They had no sudden healing
To think that providence
Would take a child from his mother
While she prays, is appalling
Who told us we'd be rescued
What has changed and
Why should we be saved from nightmares
We're asking why this happens to us
Who have died to live, it's unfair
[Chorus]
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held
This hand is bitterness
We want to taste it and
Let the hatred numb our sorrows
The wise hand opens slowly
To lilies of the valley and tomorrow
[Chorus]
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held
[Bridge]
If hope is born of suffering
If this is only the beginning
Can we not wait, for one hour
Watching for our savior
[Chorus]
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held
We'd be held
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held
This is what it means to be held.....
Friday, September 25, 2009
Donuts, A's, and tutus
Today was a good day. First of all, it is Friday!!! woohoo Secondly, Andrew called me after class and told me he got an A+ on his first graduate school paper. I am very proud of him. He has been working extremely hard. I know it has been a physical, mental, and emotional struggle for him to juggle school, his practicum, and us; but he is doing a great job!
We went to dinner down Hwy 54 tonight, and on the way home we found a DUNKIN DONUTS!!!!! I am more excited than words can express. Not only is there a Dunkin Donuts, but there is also a Chargrill in the same shopping center! woot woot!
Ceilidh has also been making me laugh hysterically recently. She loves helping me clean. She specifically likes to help with the bathroom and making beds. I am sure this will all change quickly, but right now it is adorable. She requires me to wear a headpiece and butterfly wings; and she wears tutus! haha I had to get pictures.
We went to dinner down Hwy 54 tonight, and on the way home we found a DUNKIN DONUTS!!!!! I am more excited than words can express. Not only is there a Dunkin Donuts, but there is also a Chargrill in the same shopping center! woot woot!
Ceilidh has also been making me laugh hysterically recently. She loves helping me clean. She specifically likes to help with the bathroom and making beds. I am sure this will all change quickly, but right now it is adorable. She requires me to wear a headpiece and butterfly wings; and she wears tutus! haha I had to get pictures.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
No Eloquence
What did Andrew and I say to one another last September 20th? Not very much. We cried together, held each other, drove to Chapel Hill, and ate pretty much in silence. I don't think either one of us knew what to say, or wanted to say anything... we just wanted to be together. Last September 22nd, we found ourselves in a roller coaster of emotions from hope, to physical pain, to emotional grief starting at 5:45 that morning.
Throughout this last year, I have learned more and more to be ok with how I feel. It doesn't make me a better Christian to say, "I'm fine." It is comforting to know Kenan is missing the hurt of this world; but some days I still want him here. Some days I'm not ok with him being in Heaven, and God still loves me even on those days. I am not a very eloquent speaker as it is, but I definitely don't have any great word today. I didn't last year, and I might not next year. And I'm ok with that.
I praise God that he promises me himself, but that is it. He doesn't promise us any more than that; not a easy life, not a "good" life, not even earthly life period. He promises us himself- and I am trying to learn to be ok with that. Hopefully I will someday crave that.
November 2008- The day we spread his ashes
September 21st, 2009 Our Family
Kenan's Tree - I wish I was commenting on how much our 7 month had grown, and not the tree where his ashes are scattered. But nonetheless, it really has grown quite a bit.
Throughout this last year, I have learned more and more to be ok with how I feel. It doesn't make me a better Christian to say, "I'm fine." It is comforting to know Kenan is missing the hurt of this world; but some days I still want him here. Some days I'm not ok with him being in Heaven, and God still loves me even on those days. I am not a very eloquent speaker as it is, but I definitely don't have any great word today. I didn't last year, and I might not next year. And I'm ok with that.
I praise God that he promises me himself, but that is it. He doesn't promise us any more than that; not a easy life, not a "good" life, not even earthly life period. He promises us himself- and I am trying to learn to be ok with that. Hopefully I will someday crave that.
November 2008- The day we spread his ashes
September 21st, 2009 Our Family
Kenan's Tree - I wish I was commenting on how much our 7 month had grown, and not the tree where his ashes are scattered. But nonetheless, it really has grown quite a bit.
Sunday, September 20, 2009
"Celebrate good times... Come on"
We have had a week of celebration. I think Ceilidh thinks cake, ice cream, and/or brownies are now apart of our daily routine. Even though that is tempting; not happening! ha
To kick off the fun days of celebrating, Ceilidh and Andrew took me to "Mommy Dips" (Mama Dips) for my bday dinner on Thursday. They sang and gave us a piece of cake (warm, might I add) after our meal. Yum... is all I can say. Then Friday, my parents and niece, Mikayla; drove up to take us to Outback. They gave me an ice cream dessert after our meal. Yum again. Saturday morning we celebrated good football with a Carolina win! Ceilidh and I then went to a "baby party" given to us by some of my best friends. This deserves a whole post to itself once I get pictures. We are so thankful for their kindness and generosity. It was fun just to get together as well!
Our last bit of celebrating happened last night at the annual Life Care Pregnancy Center fundraising banquet. The night went off without a hitch. I am so proud of Suzanne. Banquets are time-consuming and stressful, but the night was beautiful and life-affirming. This was the first banquet where I was on "the other side." It was nice not to be worrying about the organizational side of the night; but I do have to say I miss all the volunteers and being apart of the clients lives. I was pretty excited to see twin boys that were born after I left.
Hopefully our celebrating will continue sometime soon! I feel great, but this baby boy can't get much bigger without my skin literally ripping in half! ha Pictures to come soon from our sweet baby shower.
To kick off the fun days of celebrating, Ceilidh and Andrew took me to "Mommy Dips" (Mama Dips) for my bday dinner on Thursday. They sang and gave us a piece of cake (warm, might I add) after our meal. Yum... is all I can say. Then Friday, my parents and niece, Mikayla; drove up to take us to Outback. They gave me an ice cream dessert after our meal. Yum again. Saturday morning we celebrated good football with a Carolina win! Ceilidh and I then went to a "baby party" given to us by some of my best friends. This deserves a whole post to itself once I get pictures. We are so thankful for their kindness and generosity. It was fun just to get together as well!
Our last bit of celebrating happened last night at the annual Life Care Pregnancy Center fundraising banquet. The night went off without a hitch. I am so proud of Suzanne. Banquets are time-consuming and stressful, but the night was beautiful and life-affirming. This was the first banquet where I was on "the other side." It was nice not to be worrying about the organizational side of the night; but I do have to say I miss all the volunteers and being apart of the clients lives. I was pretty excited to see twin boys that were born after I left.
Hopefully our celebrating will continue sometime soon! I feel great, but this baby boy can't get much bigger without my skin literally ripping in half! ha Pictures to come soon from our sweet baby shower.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
O how she makes me smile (and cry)!
Since turning 2; Ceilidh will go through periods of wonderful behavior and then periods of challenging behavior. Even during her challenging days, she isn't that bad; it just seems to go from one thing to the next without any breaks. I can let myself get pretty discouraged some days with challenging discipline days, losing my patience, feeling inadequate around all these incredibly smart and "successful" women/students, etc. On these days, I have to remind myself that Andrew and I have committed ourselves to investing daily in our children's lives to make Christ attractive and accessible. (RMC 2003, for you Clendenin fans! ha) It is nice to have days where you feel like God is honoring this desire of ours. Today was one of those days!
Ceilidh succeeded in making me cry tears of joy multiple times today. Her Sunday School class is using their offering to buy books in Swahili for an orphanage in Tanzania. Even the fact that they are buying books with this money makes me want to cry now. God is so intricately involved in her life even now, that he would allow her to "share" her love of books with these children. So, this morning she got her little change purse ready and literally clung to it all the way to church. She told Aunt Caitlin in the car, that she was going to give her money to Jesus in her classroom. (First time I cried) I didn't even get her completely in the classroom door, before she is literally shoving her change into Ms. Chantel's hands. Chantel didn't even know what she was doing until I told her she was giving her offering. I couldn't stop watching her drop each coin into the can with the biggest smile I have ever seen on her face. (Second time I cried) Yes I am 38 weeks pregnant, yes I am emotional anyway; but this was truly one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen. She knew exactly what she was doing; and she was excited to be giving it to Jesus.
Then tonight while I am reading her books and rocking, she whispers to me, "Mommy, I just want you to be happy. I just want Daddy to be happy." (Cry again for the third time) She was smiling and genuinely telling me that me being happy made her happy. Obviously I tell her we are very happy and she makes us the happiest parents in the world. Where does she come up with this stuff! Thank you Lord, that even though we might have some tedious days; and I fail miserably at being a wife and mother at times, you are continuously faithful to me and my family!
Ceilidh succeeded in making me cry tears of joy multiple times today. Her Sunday School class is using their offering to buy books in Swahili for an orphanage in Tanzania. Even the fact that they are buying books with this money makes me want to cry now. God is so intricately involved in her life even now, that he would allow her to "share" her love of books with these children. So, this morning she got her little change purse ready and literally clung to it all the way to church. She told Aunt Caitlin in the car, that she was going to give her money to Jesus in her classroom. (First time I cried) I didn't even get her completely in the classroom door, before she is literally shoving her change into Ms. Chantel's hands. Chantel didn't even know what she was doing until I told her she was giving her offering. I couldn't stop watching her drop each coin into the can with the biggest smile I have ever seen on her face. (Second time I cried) Yes I am 38 weeks pregnant, yes I am emotional anyway; but this was truly one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen. She knew exactly what she was doing; and she was excited to be giving it to Jesus.
Then tonight while I am reading her books and rocking, she whispers to me, "Mommy, I just want you to be happy. I just want Daddy to be happy." (Cry again for the third time) She was smiling and genuinely telling me that me being happy made her happy. Obviously I tell her we are very happy and she makes us the happiest parents in the world. Where does she come up with this stuff! Thank you Lord, that even though we might have some tedious days; and I fail miserably at being a wife and mother at times, you are continuously faithful to me and my family!
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Thank you!
So tonight was a great night. Suzanne always makes a b-day dinner for the kids; even the grafted in kids such as myself. Even though my b-day is still a couple days away; everyone's September schedule this year seems to be CRAZY! Therefore, we were instructed to meet everyone at the "big playground" (Ceilidh's favorite around here), for my birthday party. They could not know me any better! First of all, Ceilidh and Zion were in heaven with the playground. Then, there was fried chicken, mashed potatoes, lots of other "fixins", sweet tea, a cheesecake cake, a Starbucks gift card, and an Aveda gift card! There is nothing to say about all of that other than Woot Woot! Not to mention we really love our family and enjoy hanging out with them!
When I thought that was all, here come baby gifts! They also gave us a surprise baby shower. Adorable clothes, books, a really awesome diaper bag for 2.... I had no idea, but I am really thankful. Ceilidh was BEYOND excited to have "Zi i" here to play. Caitlin and Susanna actually took them on a blue "scoos" bus ride together. Life doesn't get much better for Ceilidh; her aunts, Zi i, and the bus! ha I forgot my camera at the park; but I got a few cute ones of Ceilidh and Zion after their bath. They decided to have a dance party in their new pjs from ZZ, and tutus! ha
Thanks again everyone!
When I thought that was all, here come baby gifts! They also gave us a surprise baby shower. Adorable clothes, books, a really awesome diaper bag for 2.... I had no idea, but I am really thankful. Ceilidh was BEYOND excited to have "Zi i" here to play. Caitlin and Susanna actually took them on a blue "scoos" bus ride together. Life doesn't get much better for Ceilidh; her aunts, Zi i, and the bus! ha I forgot my camera at the park; but I got a few cute ones of Ceilidh and Zion after their bath. They decided to have a dance party in their new pjs from ZZ, and tutus! ha
Thanks again everyone!
Friday, September 11, 2009
Pregnancy Progression
I had an appt. today and everything is status quo. I like status quo. I finally took a few late pregnancy belly photos, and I know Nicole asked to see some the other day, see here ya go. The stretch marks aren't beautiful; but that healthy boy even in the womb is! Moms just kind of know when they are going to have a cutie! wink haha I hope the next pictures will be Baby Boy in the flesh (his flesh, not mine!).
37 1/2 weeks
24 weeks
20 weeks
8 weeks
37 1/2 weeks
24 weeks
20 weeks
8 weeks
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Ceilidh and Baby C's room
So even though I was frustrated with "losing" money on the crib, and the hamper part of the changing table was the most frustrating project Andrew and I have EVER attempted; I am getting more excited every time I see his crib! Ceilidh loves having his crib in her room. We were telling her that he would sleep with her in her room when he got older. So she naturally thought for the longest that he was going to actually sleep in her bed with her! ha Thankfully having the crib in her room has helped clarify this! ha
She was also very proud of the "bell towers" she constructed with blocks this morning. She literally asked me to take a picture of the "towers!" ha
She was also very proud of the "bell towers" she constructed with blocks this morning. She literally asked me to take a picture of the "towers!" ha
Saturday, September 5, 2009
Carolina Basketball!
Even though Ceilidh went to the Dean Dome the other day, she got her first experience of Carolina Basketball last night. Yesterday on our way to my Dr.'s appointment, we saw a white Rolls Royce convertible pull out in front of us. Andrew obviously being a walking encyclopedia of Carolina sports (all sports for that matter); knew that it was Antwon Jamison (sp?). Later on that evening, as we pulled into the "neighborhood" (this is what I am affectionately calling our housing area! ha), we hear, "TAR..... HEELS! TAR.... HEELS!" We can hear the hushed roar of a very large crowd in a closed building. The thing I was most excited about was pumping gas right next to Raymond Felton the other day! Ray Ray has always been my favorite player!
So, Ceilidh feeling the excitement in the air, and hearing the commotion, naturally asks in her sweet innocent voice, "Whats that noise?" "That's Carolina Basketball honey." "That's 100 years of Basketball superiority."
So, Ceilidh feeling the excitement in the air, and hearing the commotion, naturally asks in her sweet innocent voice, "Whats that noise?" "That's Carolina Basketball honey." "That's 100 years of Basketball superiority."
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Oh Sleep.... Where art thou?!
I know that is a silly question, seeing that I am almost 36 1/2 weeks pregnant; but I was still hoping for a few more weeks of restful sleep. Ha, is the only word for that statement. Besides being tired, I physically have great pregnancies. I thankfully am able to get sleep; only occasionally needing to pee at night, and my hips oddly enough getting uncomfortable throughout the night. I have been getting pretty good sleep though for the last couple of weeks, thinking, "Yay, maybe I am getting the rest I need before Baby C!"
Well... that all changed at the beginning of this week. Ceilidh has used her big girl potty on and off for a while now; but I really started encouraging it more last week (Don't ask me why. I have a need to make my life more stressful! ha) She actually is doing WONDERFULLY! Too wonderfully. haha We have only had one accident, and it was a poo-poo accident. She isn't into doing number 2 on the potty yet. She has done it once (we got ice cream! ha), but now she will tell me she needs to and ask for a diaper. I haven't figured that one out yet.
Anyway... back to the sleep issue. She has actually woken up between 2am and 3am everynight this week to pee. She calls out to me, says "pee pee, mommy", stumbles into the bathroom, pees, stumbles back to bed, and is out in 5 seconds. The whole process takes 5 minutes, but then I can't get back to sleep. UGH! I am very proud of her, but I wish she would just go in her diaper at night! ha
Well... that all changed at the beginning of this week. Ceilidh has used her big girl potty on and off for a while now; but I really started encouraging it more last week (Don't ask me why. I have a need to make my life more stressful! ha) She actually is doing WONDERFULLY! Too wonderfully. haha We have only had one accident, and it was a poo-poo accident. She isn't into doing number 2 on the potty yet. She has done it once (we got ice cream! ha), but now she will tell me she needs to and ask for a diaper. I haven't figured that one out yet.
Anyway... back to the sleep issue. She has actually woken up between 2am and 3am everynight this week to pee. She calls out to me, says "pee pee, mommy", stumbles into the bathroom, pees, stumbles back to bed, and is out in 5 seconds. The whole process takes 5 minutes, but then I can't get back to sleep. UGH! I am very proud of her, but I wish she would just go in her diaper at night! ha
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