I had to laugh at myself yesterday as I realized I had become "that" mom. Ceilidh got a spot in the preschool where she was 29th on the waiting list!!!! (Thank you CH for being a transient community! ha) I was literally dancing around the room with Ceilidh because I was excited, and she was just excited I was acting crazy with her! ha Though the financial obligation of preschool is not cool (frown), I know she will LOVE every minute of it! On top of that, I am really going to enjoy the one-on-one time with Graeme. I have NO IDEA where the last 8 1/2 months have gone. Ceilidh was doubly excited to hear that her "best fiend" Amelia was going to be in the same class!
Amelia and her family are the type of people I hope Ceilidh is drawn to the rest of her life. Amelia is incredibly sweet but spunky; and I love her mom! ha Wesley and Brian were actually staff workers for Intervarsity while Andrew and I were undergrads. It is kind of crazy that we have children only 2 months apart! I definitely think God was up to something when he placed us back in the Chapel Hill during the specific time in our/my life. Wesley has been an incredible support to me in so many ways. I didn't know her well as an undergrad, simply b/c she had left staff at that point to be a mommy. I am so thankful to have her as a friend now though.
Last night during life group, she was mentioning a few prayer requests where she was having a hard time making a decision. In both cases, the decision either way would have worked out in the end... not big deal decisions. So then she says, " I don't know why I do this to myself. Why haven't I learned to just make a decision. God will be faithful. In fact, he has proven himself over the years to be faithful whichever choice I make. Its not like Door A = God's blessings and Door B = God's punishment. He is for me, no against me." WHAM! Wow, I know this in my head, but it has not made it to my heart yet. Recently, and especially since Graeme was born, I feel like whether or not I have consciously thought door A is good, door B is bad; I have definitely responded to all decisions/life in this way. I mean ALL decisions; large and minuscule. Poor Andrew has not known what to do with this newly neurotic wife; but I hoping after getting slapped in the face with truth last night, I will wake up from my anxious/nervous funk some!
The last 8 1/2 months, but in particular Graeme's first 6 months were agonizing for me. I probably was dealing with some post-partum depression even though it wasn't taking the classic "depression" look. I wasn't "down" so to speak, I was totally and utterly overwhelmed and believing every lie that Satan was throwing at me; and there were/are plenty. I felt like I was never going to be "normal" again or figure out how to have two children at one time. Neither one of them are "difficult" children either. I mean Ceilidh has her moments of being strong-willed; but what 3 year old doesn't? I felt like a failure that I couldn't get a shower/dressed before 2pm, Ceilidh and Graeme dressed before 12, 2 kids naps a day, and meals made/fed. That doesn't even include the guilt of the bathroom not being cleaned, laundry left in the basket, really late dinners, no individual time for Graeme,Ceilidh, or Andrew etc... I was miserable and I was making everyone in my home miserable. frown
I wish I could say that I am totally free of this heaviness, but I can at least say I am thankful that God is showing me that he will be faithful whatever choices I make (obviously if both choices are in agreement with biblical teaching). If I put Graeme down at 9:30 instead of 9 in the morning, it is ok. If I miss a day of taking Ceilidh to the playground, she will be fine. It is insane how crazy I could/can make myself over their eating habits, sleep woes, play time/learning time, etc. Decisions are being made on a minute to minute basis and I'm learning to just make them without agonizing over them.
I remember sitting at Wesley's table one day, apologizing profusely for being so late for a play date. She told me, " Give yourself six months. It gets better. Trust me. " Thankfully, would you believe I did start seeing a light at the end of the tunnel about the time Graeme turned 6 months old. I started to believe, " I can do this." We still have our days, but God is faithful. He wants me to succeed. He loves me and he is for me. He is on my side.
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I am so glad for you Cyndy. We all feel this way, with each kid. I always wonder when we will find our normal and if I will make it, even after 4 kids. I joke and say that it's a good thing that God is in control because I mess things up all the time. The truth is he is in control and his plan is good. The bad helps you savor the good and give thanks. I love you and am here if you ever need anything.
"And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns." (Phil 1:6)
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